Do I Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Find out with this relationship attachment test.

An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a low tolerance for emotional or physical intimacy, which can result in difficulty building and maintaining healthy, long-lasting relationships. Wondering if you've got this attachment style? This quiz is for you.

While we can't offer official medical advice or counseling, this quiz can give you an idea of whether you've got an avoidant attachment style or not, as well as where to go from there. Hit "Start Quiz" to begin.

A guy knocking on a door with a woman sitting behind it, refusing to answer.

Quizzes Are More Fun With Friends

Questions Overview

1. Do you find it easy to express your emotions?
  1. Yes, I typically find it pretty easy.
  2. I sometimes find it easy and sometimes find it hard.
  3. No, I usually find it very difficult.
2. Do you ever feel afraid when you get close to someone, even someone you really care for?
  1. Yes, very much so.
  2. Sometimes I feel afraid, and other times I don't.
  3. No, not really.
3. Do you find it difficult to make or maintain eye contact with others?
  1. Yes, very difficult.
  2. Sometimes.
  3. No, not really.
4. Do you find it hard to truly relax around other people, even people you're in intimate relationships with?
  1. Yes, definitely.
  2. Sometimes.
  3. No, not really.
5. Do you have a hard time feeling "safe" in relationships, even when you know the other person is trustworthy?
  1. Yes, constantly.
  2. Sometimes I feel safe, and other times I feel unsafe.
  3. No, not very often.
6. Do you feel comfortable relying on others when you are in trouble?
  1. No, not at all.
  2. Only if I really trust them.
  3. Yes, everyone needs help sometimes.
7. Would you say you're pretty self-sufficient?
  1. Yes, very much so.
  2. Yeah, pretty much.
  3. No, not really.
8. When your partner gets needy or emotional, what is your first instinct?
  1. To pull away.
  2. To panic.
  3. To help.
9. Do you find yourself easily annoyed at people who are not self-sufficient?
  1. Yes, constantly.
  2. Not really.
  3. No, never.
10. The idea of someone knowing everything about you makes you feel...
  1. Suffocated.
  2. Scared but desired.
  3. Comfortable.
11. True or false? "I long to be close to others, but I also really want to get away from them."
  1. True. It's confusing!
  2. False: I want to get away from people.
  3. False: I want to be close to people sometimes.
12. When a relationship gets intense or high-conflict, you usually...
  1. Shut down or leave.
  2. Feel trapped and upset.
  3. Talk it out to find resolution.

More Quizzes

Did you like this quiz?

Avoidant Attachment Styles Explained

What is an avoidant attachment style?
According to relationship therapist Nikki Harmon, someone with an avoidant attachment style "has learned that people are not safe.... I can't rely on people. I can't be myself or I get rejected or left. People aren't trustworthy."[1] She explains that the ways we learn to attach to caregivers in childhood can follow us into adulthood: "In adult relationships, if we just believe that we're not good enough and we're bad and this person's going to eventually leave us...we avoid our feelings because they're dangerous."[2]


The Types of Avoidant Attachment Styles
Avoidant attachment styles may be dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant (also called disorganized).

Dismissive avoidance Licensed psychologist Vanessa Scaringi, PhD, says that dismissive-avoidant types are very "dismissive of their own and other people's needs" to stay and feel safe.[3] They are characterized by the following traits:

  • Hyperindependence
  • Discomfort discussing emotions
  • Prioritizing personal projects and/or your career over relationships with others
  • Feeling threatened when people try to get close to you
  • Spending more time alone than around others
  • Reluctance to commit to relationships
  • Feeling as if you don't need other people in your life


Fearful avoidance is usually marked by these characteristics:

  • A fear of rejection
  • Difficulty regulating emotions
  • Contradictory or inconsistent behavior
  • Excessive levels of anxiety
  • Blending characteristics of anxious and dismissive avoidant attachment styles


Can I change my attachment style?
Despite what you might think, our attachment styles are not permanent: "One thing we know from research is that we can change our attachment style," Harmon explains. "If we grow up experiencing trauma or [an unhealthy] environment, we're not just destined to be avoidantly attached our whole lives. We can actually heal that."[4]

That doesn't mean it's easy, though. As Harmon shares, the best way to overcome an avoidant attachment style is through hard work and a willingness to take emotional risks. "You have to actually start to do what your whole body is telling you is unsafe to do, which is rely on other people and let them be safe for you. And that's hard for a couple reasons. One, not everyone is safe, right? You might end up in a relationship where you start to trust someone and they hurt you again. That is very real."[5]

She recommends seeing a therapist with a background in attachment theory to help you navigate healing: "A good therapist...can be a safe kind of pseudo-attachment figure and can be reliable for you, can help you start to open up, can respond in safe and healthy ways, and start to kind of shift that inner narrative—in therapy language we call that your internal working model—that tells you that people aren't safe and you're not good enough. And when you start to shift that and start to believe you are good enough and people are safe, then you start to heal your attachment and show up differently."[6]

Want to learn more?

You Might Also Like

References

  1. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
  3. ↑ Vanessa Scaringi, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
  4. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
  5. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
  6. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview