How to End a Family Fight

Co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 24, 2024 References

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Seeing people in your family fight can be really tough. Whether you’re involved or not, you might be feeling sad, angry, or even ashamed when your loved ones yell and scream at each other. There are a few techniques you can use to have a calm, civilized discussion with your family about your issues. If you need extra help, consider calling in a mental health professional for guidance.

Here are 10 tips for navigating family fights and ending them in a healthy way.

1

Keep your cool.

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It’s easy to get fired up when your family is fighting. If you feel like you might yell or explode instead of talking calmly, take a walk around the block to calm down first. No matter who you’re talking to, doing it in a calm manner will go much better than yelling or screaming.
- You can also try breathing deeply or counting to 10 anytime you feel yourself getting stressed.

2

Call a family meeting.

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It will be much easier to talk to everyone at the same time. See if there’s a good time and day that works for everyone in your family to get together. Then, you can all meet up and talk about your issues.
- If you’re younger, try asking your parents to call a family meeting and invite all your siblings.
- If the problem is with your extended family, consider asking them to talk over video chat or on the phone.

3

Listen to everyone.

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Give everyone in the family a chance to speak. That way, everyone feels like they get a say in what’s going on. Don’t interrupt, even if it seems like someone is lying or being dramatic—when it’s your turn to talk, you can bring up the stuff that’s bothering you.^{[1]
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- Letting everyone talk can be tough, especially if they’re saying things that make you mad. However, if you let everyone else talk, they’ll hear what you have to say, too.^{[2]
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  Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
  
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4

Maintain neutral body language.

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Rolling your eyes and sighing says a lot about what you think. As you listen to other people talk, try to keep your face neutral and don’t let your emotions show. When you talk, keep your tone of voice light and try not to yell or lash out in anger.^{[3]
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- Have you ever seen someone roll their eyes while you were talking before? It can make you even more angry than you already were! Keep the peace by checking your body language throughout the conversation.

5

Communicate your needs.

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Name what you’re feeling and how you’d like to fix it.^{[4]
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Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Express what’s going on with you so your family knows how to move forward. If anyone tries to interrupt, calmly remind them that you let them talk, so they need to do the same for you.^{[5]
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- For example, you could say something like, “When you yell at me about not doing my chores but don’t yell at my sister, it makes me feel hurt. I feel like we aren’t getting the same treatment around the house, which is unfair.”

6

Use “I” language.

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Center the problems around how you’re feeling. Instead of blaming your family members or calling them out, try to use “I” statements as much as possible. This can help people feel less defensive and more able to work through issues with you.^{[6]
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- For example, instead of saying, “You yell at me too much,” you could say, “When you yell at me, I feel afraid.”
- Or, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “When you talk over me, it makes me feel like I don’t have a say in what the family does.”

7

Try not to take sides.

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If you’re not directly involved in the fight, keep your position neutral. Picking sides between parents, siblings, or extended family members will only make the problem worse.^{[7]
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Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Listen to what everyone has to say, and try to offer unbiased advice.^{[8]
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Research source}
- It can be tough not to take sides, especially if you actually think one person is in the right. If you’re an adult in the household, consider calling in an outside mediator, like a mental health professional.

8

Come up with a resolution.

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It’s time to express what you need in the future. Try to come up with something that everyone in the family is okay with. If you can’t come up with a perfect solution, pick something that everyone can compromise on, even if it’s a little bit inconvenient.^{[9]
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- For example, if you and your siblings fight over the bathroom in the morning, consider setting a bathroom schedule with allotted time limits.
- If you’re not directly involved in the fight, you might not be able to come up with a resolution, and that’s okay. Encourage your other family members to come up with something that everyone can be happy with.^{[10]
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  Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
  
  Expert Interview}

9

Leave the area if things get heated.

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Family fights can turn ugly pretty quickly. If anyone starts to yell, scream, or get physical with each other, take that as your cue to get out of there. Let everyone know that you can reconvene when they all agree to be civil and polite with each other.^{[11]
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- If you’re a kid and you feel like you’re in danger, talk to a trusted adult, like a teacher or a guidance counselor. They can help you figure out what to do next.

10

Talk with a mental health professional if you need to.

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Sometimes, you and your family can’t come up with a resolution. If you’re an adult in the household, consider talking to a family therapist. They can help you work through your issues in a calm, civilized manner to reach a solution that works for everyone.
- You can also talk to a therapist one on one to come up with ways to work through family issues. This is a great option if your family is opposed to therapy or you don’t live in the same area as them.

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Question

What do you say when your family fights?

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

When people argue, they create what we call triangles — instead of talking to the person that they're upset with, they'll end up talking to somebody that they can align with. If the person comes to you when they're fighting, your role is to make them interact with the other one. Help them identify where the conflict is coming from and encourage them to talk.

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Question

How do you handle kids arguing?

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

If your kids are arguing and having lots of negative feelings towards each other, you should try increasing the level of service between the members of the family. For example, start to do nice things for another person, creating more opportunities to reduce the conflict and generate more positive feelings in the household.

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Question

My aunt is fighting with my mom. She's definitely being the unreasonable one, but I miss her a lot. We haven't been able to see her or her family since the start of the fight. What do I do?

Community Answer

Talk to someone who is outside of your family unit, an adult whom you can trust. Tell them how you feel. Then talk to your mom about how this makes you feel and that how you feel that even if she doesn't want to talk to your aunt, you'd like to keep your relationship with her intact and thriving. You can always call your aunt.

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If you’re a kid, don’t feel like you have to end every family fight. The bulk of the responsibility should be on the adults in your life, not you.

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