How to Practice Self-Control, Per Psychology Experts

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Licensed counselor Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA, shares tips for building and managing self-control

Co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA and Elaine Heredia, BA

Last Updated: June 13, 2026 Fact Checked

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Strategies for Self-Control

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What is self-control?

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Self-Control vs. Self-Discipline

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How Can You Improve Your Self Control?

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Expert Q&A

Self-control is your ability to manage your emotions, reactions, and behavior. It’s important because a high level of self-control can help you make the necessary changes to lead a more fulfilling life. While self-control may sound like something innate, you can actually build your self-control the same way you can build your muscles! We spoke to a counselor and a psychologist to break down all the scientifically-proven ways you can cultivate more self-control so that you can feel like the best version of yourself. We'll also define self-control and explain how it's different from self-discipline.

How do you improve self-control?

Licensed counselor Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA, says to start building self-control by understanding yourself and your goals. Identify your reasons for wanting to control your emotions and urges. This will give you a good foundation to stand on. Here are other ways to build self-control:

Choose small, concrete, and realistic goals for exercising your self-control.
Reframe failures positively as opportunities for improvement.
Identify the emotions or triggers that bring on the urges you want to resist.
Label your biggest temptations and try to avoid them as much as possible.
Strengthen your willpower by motivating yourself and staying positive.
Breathe deeply during intense urges to recenter yourself.

Section 1 of 3:

15 Strategies for Building Self-Control

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1
Identify your desires, goals, and reasons for building self-control. Regaining self-control is "all about working with yourself to understand who you are, what you want, [and] what your goals are," says Lyubchenko.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Licensed Counselor

Expert Interview} Identify why you want to build self-control, not why you think you should or for the reasons other people are giving you. Then, whenever you feel your self-control being challenged, you have a solid foundation to fall back on.
- For example, say you’re trying to develop self-control to stop smoking. You could write down potential reasons like the cost of buying cigarettes, the effects on your health, the smell, caring for your teeth, etc.
- You can also make a list of all the positives of quitting smoking, such as having more money to spend on other things, whiter teeth, breathing easier, or whatever reasons you can think of that make sense to you.
Meet the wikiHow Experts

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA, is a licensed counselor and has had her own private practice since 2012. She specializes in resolving emotional and behavioral problems.

Julia Yacoob, PhD, is a clinical psychologist. She specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of life stressors.
2
Start with small, concrete goals. Trying to change everything overnight will be overwhelming. The most likely way you’ll fail to cultivate self-control is by getting frustrated with yourself for not changing immediately. Instead, set yourself up for success by setting realistic goals that help you slowly taper away from whatever behavior you want to change.^{[2]
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- Be realistic about what kind of changes you can make that will fit into your life, schedule, and ability. If you try to change everything at once, you'll risk self-sabotaging your efforts and giving up.
- For example, if you're building self-control to avoid compulsive eating, switching to nothing but fruits and vegetables all at once is too ambitious. Instead, try to add some veggies to dinner every day. After a few weeks, switch your snacks to fresh fruits. There’s nothing wrong with going slow!
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3
Reframe failures positively as opportunities for growth. You might feel tempted to give up every time you fail at controlling yourself. But realize that self-control takes practice, and to get better at something, you have to make mistakes. Reframe failures as chances to learn and improve. It might help to write about these incidents and reframe them in a journal, so you can see the words and commit them to your memory.
- For example, if your goal is not to spend money impulsively, but you went on a shopping spree, just think of it as one bad day. Then, take some time to journal what you could do differently next time, such as going to yoga class.
4
Identify the feelings behind your urges and why you give in to them. Willpower alone is often not enough to overcome an urge, especially if that urge is actually a compulsive behavior. Compulsive behaviors are behaviors you feel like you have to do, even if they don't make logical sense. They usually originate in a negative feeling, like anxiety.^{[3]
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Research source} Clinical psychologist Julia Yacoob, PhD, says that framing resisting your urges as a matter of simple willpower can create a lot of shame around it when you fail. Instead, Dr. Yacoob explains that your focus should be on the problem behind the urge and how to solve it.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview}
- For example, many people think that to stop overeating, you just have to have enough willpower. But Dr. Yacoob says that doesn't account for all the factors you're working against. "Yes, they can make certain choices," she says, "but they're working against their genetics," as well as the environment and culture they live in, stigma, and financial constraints.^{[5]
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  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview}
- Monitoring your underlying emotions will help you deal with the feelings instead of relying on the coping mechanism.
5
Label your biggest temptations and consciously avoid them. Giving in to your urges is a lot harder when the object of your desire is right there in front of you. Most of us know what drives us off track, so locate your triggers and remove them from your environment or daily schedule (if possible).^{[6]
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- For example, if you want to build your self-control when it comes to diet, don’t buy those extra “treats” at the grocery store and skip the soda when you’re eating out.
- If you’re trying to improve your daily productivity, and social media is a huge time sink, delete Facebook and Instagram from your phone.
- If you want to be more productive at home but you can’t stop watching Netflix, move the TV out of your office and block the website on your computer.
6
Strengthen your willpower with positive motivations and a joyful outlook. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines "willpower" as "the ability to resist short-term gratification in pursuit of long-term goals or objectives." Sounds a lot like self-control, right? Unfortunately, studies have shown that willpower is like a muscle: if you overwork it, its strength depletes, and if you don't work it out at all, it won't come in clutch when you need it. The good news is that willpower can be strengthened with motivation, a positive attitude, and belief in yourself.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source

American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

Go to source} Help your willpower grow stronger by motivating yourself to stick to your goals and cultivating a happy outlook on life.
- Motivate yourself with your "why" or with the promise of a small reward, like your favorite treat or a low-budget shopping spree.
- To feel more positive, try listening to uplifting music, reading inspiring stories, and spending time with people you love.
7
Take a moment to breathe deeply when fighting intense urges. Let’s say you have a cigarette or food craving. Instead of immediately giving in, set your phone timer for 5 minutes and focus on breathing from your belly. Put one hand on your stomach and slowly inhale. Feel the air entering your lungs and going down to your diaphragm. Then exhale and consciously suck your belly back in toward your spine. Repeat this breathing exercise. After a few minutes, the craving should dissipate.^{[8]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public

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- You may also find it useful to picture the urge itself as a temporary wave, and observe it building and eventually ebbing in your body.^{[9]
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- Controlling your breathing helps you get out of your head and focus on your body. This soothes strong urges and helps calm stress.
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Exercise regularly to improve your headspace. Researchers have found a positive correlation between exercise and being able to control one's impulses and urges.^{[10]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source} Even if it’s just a few days a week, running, lifting weights, or doing calisthenics at home may make it easier to control yourself and make productive decisions. You'll also improve your physical health!^{[11]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

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- Exercise is also a good way to develop self-discipline in the sense that it requires you to consciously do something you probably don’t want to do for your own good.
9
Get 8 hours of sleep at night to improve your impulse control. It might sound like this has nothing to do with self-control, but there’s a massive relationship between getting enough rest and avoiding impulsive behavior. If you want to be focused and in control during the day, skip the all-nighters.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source

PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source}
- It’s a lot harder to avoid your impulses if you’re exhausted. For example, when you're exhausted, the last thing you want to do is stand in the kitchen and cook a healthy meal. You're more likely to order food through DoorDash instead.
- Having good sleep hygiene also helps you avoid decision fatigue. By “sleeping on it” instead of forcing yourself to make a decision before bed, you’ll prevent yourself from feeling mentally strained. In the morning, you'll be clear-headed, rested, and ready to decide.
- Like forcing yourself to exercise, forcing yourself to maintain a consistent sleep schedule will help reinforce your self-discipline.
10
Monitor your daily behavior to identify wins and areas to improve. It’s hard to maintain self-control if you aren’t paying attention to when you are or are not successful. Keep a small journal with you and track when you do or do not give in to temptation during the day. Pay attention to how you feel at the end of each day and ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” These daily monitoring activities will help you identify problem areas and improve slowly over time.
- There are lots of great apps out there for this! MoodKit, Daylio, Habitify, and The Habit Tracker are all popular apps that make monitoring yourself a lot easier.
11
Forgive yourself when you fail, and don't be so hard on yourself. Human beings are not designed to be raw machines of focus and productivity. Time wasters, daydreaming, boredom, and relaxation are all important pieces of the self-control puzzle. The harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be to cultivate a productive and meaningful sense of self-control. Be easy on yourself. It’s a marathon, not a race.
- For example, if you’re trying to exercise more often and you fall asleep after work so you don’t get a daily run in, don’t get upset! Your body needed rest, and you did nothing wrong.
- Treating the journey of cultivating self-control as a zero-sum game will only reinforce the black-and-white thinking that makes avoiding temptation so intense and serious.
12
Channel your urge into accomplishing something productive. Instead of sitting around trying to fight an urge, actively replace that behavior with something more meaningful. A substantive alternative to an urge will give you something to distract yourself with. This way, you can beat the urge and accomplish something productive instead!^{[13]
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- For instance, if you’re trying to stop spending money, you can go for a walk in a green space where you won’t even have the opportunity to shop. Or if you’re trying to control snapping at people, you can develop the habit of hitting the gym to blow off steam when you're stressed.
13
Ask friends and family to help you achieve your goals. Let your friends and loved ones know that you are trying to change your behavior. Ask people in your life who are supportive if you can call or text them if you need encouragement. Although empowering yourself is a large part of building self-control, letting others in your life give you pep talks, motivate you, and listen when you need it will help immensely.^{[14]
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- For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking and you’re tapering down, ask your roommate to hold your cigarettes for you and only give them out at specific times.
- If you’re trying to get better at keeping a schedule, ask your parents or partner to remind you to fill out your planner every night.
14
Reward yourself as you hit big milestones. This is the ideal way to keep the momentum up as you’re making progress. Rewarding yourself for practicing self-control will help reinforce positive behaviors to replace impulsive behaviors. You could buy yourself something, take a day off work, or celebrate with others.^{[15]
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- For example, if you are trying to get better at socializing every week, you could buy yourself a new fancy TV in exchange for hosting a weekly movie night with friends.
15
Seek professional help if you need extra support. While building self-control is a wonderful and ambitious way to change your life, there are times you need additional support. Here's when to seek professional help and support:^{[16]
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Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital

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- If you're struggling with alcohol, drugs, or other substances.
- If you're engaging in dangerous or addictive behaviors (i.e., compulsive sex, kleptomania, etc.).
- If you find yourself repeatedly entering abusive or dangerous relationships.
- If you're struggling to control your anger, and you may (or have) hurt yourself or others.

Section 2 of 3:

What is self-control?

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Self-control is the ability to manage your emotions and urges for long-term goals. When you practice self-control, you don't let your emotions get out of hand. You also don't give in to the impulses of the moment. You have long-term goals, and you know that giving in to temptation and letting yourself get sidetracked will only delay you from achieving your main quest.^{[17]
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- For example, if your long-term goal is to eat only healthy foods, you might resist buying donuts or an iced coffee for breakfast because it doesn't align with that goal.

Section 3 of 3:

Self-Control vs. Self-Discipline

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Self-control is about resisting urges, whereas self-discipline is about consistency. Both self-control and self-discipline are goal-oriented. But whereas controlling yourself means resisting urges that don't serve your long-term goals, discipline is about consistently showing up to work on those goals. Essentially, it's building good habits and routines. However, you need to be able to control your emotions and impulses to build good habits. In that light, self-control and self-discipline go hand-in-hand.^{[18]
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- Read our article on How to Build Self-Discipline & Stay Motivated if you want to learn how to turn your goals into a reality.
1. And if the steps above have been helpful, be sure to download this article as a PDF so you can print, read, or reference it any time.

How Can You Improve Your Self Control?

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Question

Why do I lack self control?

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Leadership & Transformational Coach

Expert Answer

It's very likely that the things you want are not lining up with the things you're doing. For example, if you're impulsively doodling in class, it's very likely that you don't want to engage on an emotional level. Figuring out why you're not able to control yourself is the first step in addressing the actual underlying problem.

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Question

Why can't I stop lashing out and getting jealous?

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Leadership & Transformational Coach

Expert Answer

When you trust someone, you feel safe. If you don't trust someone, you're naturally going to lash out or react. Getting to the source of your anxiety here is paramount. Is there something from your past that's making it hard to trust other people, or handle conflict in a reasonable way? If there is, you need to address that before you can move on and wrangle control back over your emotions.

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Question

What does it really mean to have self control?

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Leadership & Transformational Coach

Expert Answer

It means that you're in control of your thoughts, your ability to focus, and your emotions. It means that you're self-aware and able to process what's going on internally.

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