22 Signs of an Abusive Man (With Resources & Advice)

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Relationship coach Nicole Moore shares the key signs of an abusive relationship

Co-authored by Nicole Moore and Samantha Fulton, BA

Last Updated: September 1, 2026 Fact Checked

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• Warning Signs
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• Types of Abuse
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• What to Do
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• Finding Help
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• Video
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• Expert Q&A
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• Tips

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The signs of an abusive man can sometimes be difficult to recognize, but we’re here to help. We’ve partnered with a relationship coach and counseling professionals to put together this guide on recognizing the warning signs of an abuser. We’ll also provide information on the different types of abuse, what to do next, and resources for finding help. Remember, you deserve a healthy and loving relationship free of fear.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, please call 911.

What are the signs that a man is abusive?

Relationship coach Nicole Moore says an abusive man will belittle you, isolate you from friends and family, blame you for everything, and yell at you for little things. He may also be jealous and possessive, love bomb you, or pressure you to commit. Physical and verbal threats of violence are clear signs of abuse.

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Section 1 of 4:

Warning Signs of an Abusive Man

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1. 
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   He love bombs you. An abusive man may shower you with compliments and gifts early on, so you’ll be more likely to get attached and commit to him. This is a common manipulation tactic that abusers use to get you to depend on them. He may declare love early on or want to remain in constant contact.

   • While the attention may be flattering, licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, says someone who wants you to spend time only with them can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Nicole Moore is a love and relationship coach with over a decade of experience. She has been featured in numerous publications including Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today.

   Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor with over 12 years of experience. She specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples in conflict.

   Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy and relationships. She is also an award-winning and bestselling author and a columnist for Psychology Today.
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   He pressures you to commit quickly. Pressure to commit early may be a sign that he’s trying to make it easier to manipulate you. Although it’s easy to get swept up in the early stages of a relationship, make sure you give yourself time to build a healthy relationship before going all in with him. He could be trying to bait and switch you.
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   He has unrealistic expectations of you. Dr. Vossenkemper notes that if a partner expects you to attend to their every need, it’s a negative sign. He may expect you to live up to unreasonable expectations or drop everything to be there for him. You may also notice he makes you feel responsible for his happiness or wellbeing.

   • He might say, “You’re the only one I need,” or “You’re the only person who matters to me.”
   • He may start expecting you to solve all of his problems, which just isn’t possible. When you can’t, he may get upset with you.
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   He has a history of abuse. If he admits to past abuse or you discover he’s abused past partners, it’s likely he could do it again. He’ll probably have an excuse for his behavior, or he’ll blame it on his ex and promise to treat you better. If you find out he’s been abusive in the past, it’s a warning sign to exit the relationship.
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   He’s controlling about what you do, wear, or say. Abusive men are often incredibly controlling. He might tell you not to wear certain things, or you may feel like your behavior is being monitored when you go out together. Moore notes that an abusive partner will go so far as to openly criticize you for your appearance and life choices.
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   He’s jealous and possessive. According to Moore, “If you feel like your partner wants to keep you all to themselves, that is a warning sign of an abusive relationship.” He may question you if you want to go out without him, or he’ll give you a hard time for hanging out with other guys.

   • He may take his jealousy out on others. If an abusive man sees you talking to someone else and feels threatened by it, he may verbally or physically confront that person.
7. 
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   He isolates you from friends and family. “Often in abusive relationships, the abusive partner will attempt to isolate their partner and keep them away from family and friends,” explains Moore. If he restricts you from seeing friends and loved ones, it’s a big early warning sign that he’s abusive. He may try to convince you your friends and family don’t care about you or that they don’t want what’s best for you the way he does.
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   He blames you or others for his own issues. Moore says an abusive partner may try to make everything out to be your fault. He might say his exes are all to blame for past breakups or that he only got fired because his boss was out to get him. Listen to how he talks about problems and see if he tends to play the victim. He might say things like:

   • “My ex was so crazy.”
   • “My ex was always starting drama.”
   • “I’m only yelling at you because you won’t listen.”
   • “Why do you make me act like this?”
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   He’s hypersensitive to criticism. Abusers often blow things out of proportion, especially when they feel insulted. Moore agrees that an abusive partner will get angry at you for little things. Pay attention to how he reacts when you offer him advice or point out a mistake. Similarly, watch his reactions when you’re joking around with him. If he gets angry or blows up at you, he may be abusive.
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    He has Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde mood swings. An abusive man can go rapidly from sweet to cruel and aggressive—it may seem like he’s a completely different person all of the sudden. If you notice that your partner acts one way in public or when he’s trying to patch up an argument but can be suddenly threatening and mean, he’s likely abusive.

    • Often, there will be no rhyme or reason to what sets him off.
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    He mistreats animals or children. If he’s abusive to animals or kids, he will likely mistreat you as well. Pay careful attention to how he interacts with pets and children. Does he have a short fuse? Is he too rough? These are signs that he is an abusive man.
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    He’s sexually aggressive or coercive. Dr. Vossenkemper notes that a partner who coerces you to have sex is a red flag. If he pressures you sexually or is aggressive in the bedroom, it is a sign of abuse. He may try to get you to perform sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with or disrespect your boundaries when you say no to sex. This is never okay.

    • Even if you’re in a relationship with him, if he engages in a sexual act you did not consent to, it’s sexual assault.
    • You’re not alone. If you’ve been sexually assaulted, use the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
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    He belittles you. “Very often, abusers belittle their partners with subtle or overt criticism as a way to break down their partner’s confidence so they won’t leave,” notes Moore. If he makes constant digs at you, your appearance, or your actions, it’s a warning sign of abuse. He might deliberately say things that make you feel small or insecure—a healthy and loving partner would not do that.
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    He puts down your opinions and feelings. If he dismisses your feelings and opinions as insignificant, it may be a sign he’s abusive. He may say you’re overly sensitive or that your opinions aren’t valid—or he may lash out when you voice your thoughts. Remember, a healthy partner will listen to you and validate your feelings, even if they don’t agree with you.

    • Dr. Vossenkemper adds that a toxic partner may make you feel like you can’t take up any emotional space.
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    He’s aggressive or forceful during arguments. “A warning sign of an abusive relationship is extreme emotional volatility or anger and yelling,” agrees Moore. If he gets angry to the point of yelling at you or physically intimidating you during arguments, it’s a major red flag.

    • While arguments are normal in relationships, aggression is not. If your partner is verbally or physically aggressive when you argue, it is time to walk away.
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    He gaslights you. Dr. Vossenkemper cautions against a partner who gaslights you. For example, she says, if he shoves you and he says he didn’t and that you’re being crazy, he’s gaslighting you. This is a serious warning sign of an abusive man.

    • Do not tolerate this type of manipulative behavior. If he tries to convince you that you’re crazy when you confront him for mistreating you, this is not the relationship for you.
17. 
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    He insists on rigid gender roles. He may pressure you to be submissive and traditionally feminine. Likewise, he may insist that he’s supposed to call all the shots and that it’s okay for him to be insensitive. These toxic gender roles can contribute to abusive dynamics, and if he’s harshly enforcing them, it’s a serious warning sign.

    • If you prefer a traditionally gendered relationship, that’s fine. But if you feel pressured to act a certain way, or if your partner is using gender roles as an excuse for mistreatment, it is a sign to walk away.
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    He undermines your financial independence. An abusive man may insist on controlling your finances so he can maintain more control over you. He may track how much you spend, insist that you don’t work, or even take your paychecks from you. If he’s trying to control your money, it is a big warning sign that he could be abusive.
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    He threatens you in any way. Any verbal threats or physical intimidation are signs of abuse. Even if he doesn’t act on his threats, any suggestion that he plans to be or could become violent is a sign to walk away from the relationship. Other threatening behavior could include raising his hand at you or getting in your space to scare you.

    • Take threats seriously. If he threatens you with physical violence, it’s time to involve the police.
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    He breaks or strikes objects. If his anger escalates and he throws or breaks objects to scare you, it is a form of physical abuse. Damaging property, punching walls, or throwing things are not acceptable behaviors. A man who acts this way is abusive, and is not the right guy for you.

    • If he starts getting physical like this, find a safe place to hide. Try your best to find a friend or family member to stay with while you navigate how to leave the relationship safely.
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    He pushes, strikes, or kicks you. If he is or has ever been violent toward you, he is an abusive man. Regardless of how many times it happened, any physical violence is abuse. Even if he apologizes or says he won’t do it again, it is time to walk away.

    • If he hits you, find a safe place to get away from him and consider placing a restraining order. You do not need to tolerate this behavior.
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    You feel afraid of him. A healthy relationship should feel safe. If you feel frightened by him, or you constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, this is not the man for you. Whether he has or hasn’t escalated to abuse, if you feel afraid of him, it’s time to walk away from the relationship.
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Section 2 of 4:

Types of Abusive Behavior

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1. 
   1
   Emotional abuse Relationship counselor Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, defines emotional abuse as belittling or putting someone down. If he deliberately makes you feel small by criticizing you and making you feel insecure, it’s a sign of emotional abuse.
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   Verbal abuse Miller describes verbal abuse as yelling, cursing, and screaming. If he shouts at you during arguments or yells at you for little things, these are forms of verbal abuse.
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   Physical abuse Physical abuse is any hitting, says Miller. If he is physically violent toward you in any way, it’s physical abuse. This includes pushing, shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, or throwing objects.
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   Sexual abuse Sexual abuse includes sexual coercion or any sexual act performed without your consent. Even if you’re in a relationship, no always means no. If he pressures you sexually, pushes your boundaries, or forces you to commit sexual acts, it’s sexual abuse.
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   Economic/financial abuse Economic abuse is when someone uses money, debt, work, housing, transportation, or technology to control another person. If he uses your money, banking, or financial information to control you, this is a form of financial abuse. He may sabotage your employment, force you to take on debt, or use your money without your consent.
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Section 3 of 4:

What to Do If Your Relationship is Abusive

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1. 
   1
   Prioritize your safety. Whether or not you’re ready to leave, take steps to protect yourself. Try to stay alert for signs that your abuser might become violent. Come up with believable reasons to leave the house if you sense things may escalate (such as the grocery store). Identify safe areas in the house where you can go if an attack or argument starts. Establish a code word to use with your children, friends, or neighbors to let them know you’re in danger and they should call the police.
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   Make an escape plan. Be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice by keeping your car fueled and facing the driveway exit. Keep emergency cash, clothing, and important documents stored in a safe place at a friend or family member’s house. Rehearse your escape route to make sure you know what to do if you’re under attack. Memorize a list of emergency contacts you can reach out to if you need a ride or a place to stay.
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   Seek emotional support and counseling. You do not need to go through this alone. Contact a domestic violence program in your area for emotional support, peer counseling, emergency housing, and other services. Try your best to build a support system beyond your abuser. Above all, be kind to yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way and this isn’t your fault.
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Section 4 of 4:

Resources to Find Help for You or a Loved One

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1. There are so many resources out there if you or someone you love is struggling in an abusive relationship. Any of the following organizations should be able to help you and/or provide useful advice:

   • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (if you are deaf or hard of hearing, call 800-787-3224).
   • National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
   • StrongHearts Native Hotline: 844-656-8483
   • Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 866-331-9474 (if you are deaf or hard of hearing, call 866-331-8453).
   • Victim Connect Resource Center Helpline: 855-484-2846
   • Additional resources by state/territory

Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What resources are available if you're in an abusive relationship?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  There are many resources available for abused individuals, including crisis hotlines, counseling, shelters, legal services, childcare, and job training. By reaching out to these places today, you can gain greater confidence in leaving the abusive relationship when you’re ready.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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  Not Helpful 5 Helpful 31
• Question

  How can I overcome the fear of leaving?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Being afraid is natural. You'll fear your partner, you'll be concerned for your kids, you'll fear the uncertainty. Yet, you must face those fears by knowing you are doing what is right. Remind yourself that leaving is an opportunity to grow and start a better life. It's also helpful to create a safety plan in advance so you feel more prepared to leave. Locate a safe place to stay, prepare what you need and be ready to leave, and inform trusted individuals of what's going on.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

  Yes No

  Not Helpful 4 Helpful 32
• Question

  Should I keep track or log any instances of my boyfriend's abusive behavior?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Yes, you should create a journal (and keep it in a safe place) and log all abusive incidences, registering dates, times, events, and threats made, if possible. You should also keep any evidence of abuse, such as pictures of injuries, texts, emails, etc, to build a case against your boyfriend.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

  Yes No

  Not Helpful 6 Helpful 36

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