250 Hilarious Quotes & Captions About Life

Life: When it’s bad, it’s bad, but when it’s good, it’s really good. And whether it’s good or bad, it’s always funny. Whether you’re feeling down in the dumps or just want to make people laugh, sharing a funny quote about life is a great way to brighten your spirits. In this article, we’ve compiled a list of some of the funniest quotes about life, work, marriage, family, and more that you can share on your social media posts. Let’s go!

The Funniest Posts About Life

The funniest quotes and sayings about life are relatable, often focusing on topics like family, work, and relationships. Here are some of the most hilarious quotes you can share online:

“I learned a lot from my mistakes, so I have decided to make more mistakes to learn more.”
“Never keep up with the Jonesees. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” – Quentin Crisp
“Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood so that at least I’d have an excuse.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx

Section 1 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Life

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Laugh about how wild life can be with a funny quote. Life has its ups and downs, but when you really think about it, there’s a lot to laugh about, especially in the little things we experience every day, says Stand-Up Comedian Zane Thomas.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Zane Thomas
Stand-Up Comedian

Expert Interview} Share a hilarious quote about the absurdity of life in general or a saying about a more specific experience. Here are some ideas:
- “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” – Mark Twain
- “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” – Rita Mae Brown
- “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
- “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
- “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Bill Watterson
- “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” – Larry David
- “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” – Maria Bamford
- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.” – Allen Saunders
- “Life is a lot like jazz… It’s best when you improvise.” – George Gershwin
- “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” – Philip K. Dick
- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
- “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
- “I’ve learned to trust my gut. It may hang over my pants a little, but it still knows things.”
- “I learned a lot from my mistakes, so I have decided to make more mistakes to learn more.”
- “Today, my car clock is right again. My patience has finally paid off.”
- “I’m not a morning person or a night person, but there are a few minutes in the afternoon where I’m half decent, and that’s about it.”
- “Every night around 10:30 PM, I realize that it’s only 6:00 PM.”
- “I am at an age where getting a ‘pull through’ parking spot gives me so much more joy than it should.”
- “I have a smartphone, smart TV, smart fridge, and smart thermostat… So now I’m essentially the dumbest thing in my house.”
- “It’s a truly humbling moment when you first realize your pet has successfully trained you to do something.”
- “My life is just a series of WTF moments separated by snacks.”
- “Having an empty, clean sink is the best minute of my week.”

Section 2 of 10:

Funny Life Mottos

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Put a funny twist on a common life motto. Everyone will think you’re sharing a common phrase and laugh when they realize how wrong they were. Here are some of the funniest life mottos people swear by:
- “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
- “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz
- “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra
- “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” – Mike Bechtle
- “Never keep up with the Jonesees. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” – Quentin Crisp
- “Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
- “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
- “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
- “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
- “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin
- “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
- “Anything is edible once.”
- “If you’re in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.”
- “Home is where you trust the toilet seat.”
- “No matter what life throws at you, just duck so it hits someone else.”
- “What doesn’t kill you mutates and tries again.”
- “If life gives you lemons, it’s because fate doesn’t want you to get scurvy.”
- “Any pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself.”
- “When nothing goes right, go left.”
- “Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.”
- “It’s better to be late than to arrive ugly.”
- “I will handle it. But I will cry first.”

Section 3 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Life Struggles

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Laugh off the tough times with a funny saying. Life isn’t always easy, but laughter can make you feel better when you’re going through a tough time, whether it’s something big or a minor inconvenience. Try one of these quotes to brighten your mood:
- “When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris
- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov
- “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood so that at least I’d have an excuse.” – Jimmy Fallon
- “I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
- “A failure is like fertilizer. It stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley
- “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain
- “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” – Steven Wright
- “Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin
- “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger
- “Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.” – Jimmy Fallon
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
- “Not quite sure if life is passing me by or just trying to run me over.”
- “Today todayed the crap out of me.”
- “Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.”
- “Just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.”
- “My flabbers are ghasted daily.”
- “This too shall pass. And then some other crap will come and take its place.”
- “When I was younger, I thought adults were being dramatic when they said, ‘If it ain’t one thing, it’s another.’ Now, as an adult myself, I can confirm: if it ain’t one thing, it’s another.”
- “I have never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.”
- “Life is a tornado, and I’m just the cow being spun around for cinematic value.”
- “There’s no need to drive me crazy. I’m close enough to walk.”
- “No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.”
- “For once, I’d just like to spiral into control.”
- “Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?”

Section 4 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Working

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Make work a bit more enjoyable with a funny quote. Let’s be honest: even if you like your job, you’d probably rather spend your time doing something else. Share one of these relatable quotes about work to make your friends and coworkers laugh:
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen
- “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
- “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams
- “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” – Don Herold
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” – Robert Frost
- “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him, ‘Whose?’” – Don Marquis
- “Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
- “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
- “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” – John Gotti
- “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” – Claude McDonald
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” – Robert Benchley
- “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana
- “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vince Lombardi
- “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” – Bill Gates
- “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
- “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
- “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for 8 hours a day is work. He can’t eat for 8 hours; he can’t drink for 8 hours; he can’t make love for 8 hours. The only thing a man can do for 8 hours is work.” – William Faulkner
- “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” – Dave Barry
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
- “Monday is already sending me threatening glances from across the room.”
- “Another fine day ruined by responsibility.”
- “I go to work. I make people wonder what’s wrong with me. Then I go home.”

Section 5 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Love and Marriage

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Poke fun at the love of your life with a lighthearted joke. Many people say they want a partner who shares their sense of humor, so if you and your partner love making fun of each other, try one of these funny quotes about marriage and relationships:
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
- “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” – Halley Reed
- “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Shirley MacLaine
- “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather have snoring next to me.”
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
- “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King
- “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman
- “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
- “A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance, and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.” – Paul Sweeney
- “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
- “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
- “Marriage is like a walk in the park.. Jurassic Park.”
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”
- “Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.”
- “We both said ‘I do,’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.”
- “Love is patient, love is kind. Love means slowly losing your mind.”
- “I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.”
- “Marriage: Where ‘romantic dinner’ means eating on the couch in sweatpants.”
- “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
- “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Section 6 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Family

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Laugh about your family so they don’t drive you crazy. Some of the most chaotic parts of life (good and bad) have to do with family. Share one of these funny quotes about parents, kids, and siblings to poke fun at your family and let them know you love them:
- “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
- “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” – Damien Fahey
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
- “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck
- “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “Everybody knows how to raise children except the people who have them.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
- “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” – Charlotte Gray
- “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” – George Carlin
- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
- “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
- “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
- “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
- “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
- “Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner
- “My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’” – Paula Poundstone
- “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood
- “Seeing my kids get along, laughing and playing peacefully together, is the best 14 seconds of my day.”
- “A family is a unit composed not only of children, but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” – Ogden Nash
- “Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were invented for.” – Ogden Nash
- “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” – Leo J. Burke
- A’ dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” – Mary Karr
- “Nothing’s better than spending the entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, ‘I can’t do this.’” – Ryan Reynolds
- “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

Section 7 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Aging

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Make getting old a little more fun with a hilarious quote. Aging is something we all go through, and while it can be difficult, some aspects are pretty funny. Try a funny quote or joke to keep things lighthearted:
- “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” – John Mortimer
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” – Amy Poehler
- “I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
- “People say, 'How do you stay looking so young?’ I say, ‘Well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.’” – Dolly Parton
- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
- “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” – Theodore Roosevelt
- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom
- “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” – George Carlin
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
- “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Buñuel
- “It must be around 40 when you’re ‘over the hill.’ I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “Old age is always 15 years older than I am.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns
- “Nobody told you what a drag it was getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them because they were old.” – Mick Herron
- “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
- “How do I confront aging? With a wonder and a terror.” – Keanu Reeves
- “Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” – Maggie Kuhn
- “It’s true, some wine improves with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.” – Abigail van Buren
- “At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board.” – Betty White
- “I have too many wrinkles to have this little money!” – Cathy Guisewite
- “The goal of life is to take everything that made you weird as a kid and get people to pay you money for it when you’re older.” – David Freeman
- “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins

Section 8 of 10:

Funny Quotes About Friendship

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Make your friends laugh with a post about your relationship. Life can be pretty crazy, but things are always better with a good friend by your side. Whether your friend’s having a bad day or you just want to make them smile, try one of these funny quotes about friendship:
- “Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
- “We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home.”
- “When I say I’ll keep a secret, just know that promise doesn’t include my best friend.”
- “Best friends know everything about you and still like you anyway.”
- “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
- “Everyone has that one annoying friend. If you don’t have one, then it’s probably you.”
- “Good friends are hard to find and even harder to get rid of.”
- “True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.”
- “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
- “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” Lillian Donovan
- “My friends and I are crazy. That’s the only thing that keeps us sane.” – Matt Schucker
- “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell—you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain
- “A good friend will always stab you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown
- “A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.” – Jim Hayes
- “Friends make you smile. Best friends make you giggle ‘til you pee your pants.” – Terri Guillemets
- “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey
- “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson
- “The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.” – Jay McInerney
- “The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist.” – Aaron Machado
- “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer
- “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words, but rather short, easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’” – A. A. Milne
- “Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.” – Cookie Monster
- “Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.” – Sarah Dessen

Section 9 of 10:

Funny Relatable Quotes About Life

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Share something everyone will relate to. Some life experiences are universal, especially the little annoyances we deal with on a day-to-day basis. If you want your post to get a lot of engagement, try one of these relatable quotes:
- “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey
- “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown
- “Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Goodnight.” – Rebecca Romijn
- “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
- “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
- “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
- “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers
- “Knowledge is like underwear. It’s useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
- “Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
- “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller
- “If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.” – Joey Adams
- “I never forget a face. But in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
- “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
- “Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these words: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
- “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
- “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
- “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
- “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin
- “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 AM while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
- “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
- “No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas paper wrapping tube is still fun to bonk someone on the head with.”
- “Don’t you just wish that sometimes the bags under your eyes came with money in them?”
- “When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat, too.”

Section 10 of 10:

Short Funny Quotes About Life

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Keep your caption short and sweet. Sometimes, the funniest jokes are the shortest ones. If you’re looking for a hilarious caption that’ll make all your friends and family laugh, try one of these quick, witty quotes:
- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
- “When in doubt, look intelligent.” – Garrison Keillor
- “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
- “I look like a casual, laidback guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.” – Steven Wright
- “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” – Stephen Hawking
- “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin.
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
- “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers
- “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
- “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura
- “Don’t be so humble—you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
- “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
- “I live by trial and error, but mostly by error. A crap ton of error.”
- “My life coach just told me I didn’t make the team.”
- “I think ghosts are just people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.”
- “If you ever need nothing, I’m 100% here for you.”
- “A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.”
- “I’m so lucky people can’t hear what I’m thinking.”
- “No, I didn’t let myself go. It happened without my consent.”
- “For legal reasons, everything I post is a joke.”
- “People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.”