How to Have Your First Threesome Responsibly

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Sex educator Lola Baston shares tips for having fun and keeping it respectful during a threesome

Co-authored by Lola Baston and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: July 15, 2026 Fact Checked

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• What is it?
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• What’s it like?
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• How to Have One
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• More Tips for Fun
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• How to Find a Third
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• Benefits
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• Risks
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• Expert Q&A

|Show more |Show less

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how a threesome works (or how you even initiate one), you’re not alone. More than half of people have fantasized about having one, but few actually make the leap into trying it out. We’re here to help you bridge that gap. We partnered with a sex educator to help us cover exactly what a threesome is and what they entail, with a guide on how to plan one responsibly with your partner. We’ll also explain how to find a third or couple if you’re ready to put your fantasy into motion.

How do threesomes work?

Sex educator Lola Baston says to have a successful threesome, all 3 people should be excited about the experience, and everyone should set their boundaries beforehand. Threesomes can consist of 3 acquaintances or a couple and a third (sometimes called a “unicorn”).

Steps

Section 1 of 7:

What is a threesome?

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1. 
   A threesome is when three people have sex together. To many, a threesome is different from group sex, which usually constitutes 4 or more people. The exact makeup of the threesome can vary from group to group. In some cases, an established couple will seek out a third partner, or sometimes, three friends or acquaintances will get together.

   • Threesomes can accommodate any combination of genders and sexual preferences. You may see them described as MMF (2 males, 1 female), FFM (2 females, 1 male), MMM, or FFF.
   • How popular are threesomes? Very! Survey results indicate that about 52% of straight women, 65% of queer women, and 66% of straight and queer men have fantasized about threesomes. About 30% of adults in north America have experienced one.
   • However, not many people follow through on their fantasies. The same survey showed that 8% of straight women, 15% of straight men, 16% of queer women, and 25% of queer men have participated in a threesome.

   Meet the wikiHow Expert

   Lola Baston, aka Dirty Lola, is an award-winning sex educator, author, edutainer, and speaker in New York City, NY. She specializes in helping people navigate sex and pleasure without shame.
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Section 2 of 7:

What does a threesome entail?

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1. 
   Every threesome determines which sex acts, rules, and boundaries to follow. There’s no standard way to conduct a threesome, and as long as all 3 participants consent and are on the same page about what they are (or aren’t) doing, then the sky is the limit. A threesome can include vaginal, anal, oral, and/or manual sex. All 3 participants can participate at once, 2 may participate while 1 watches, or all 3 can pleasure themselves separately (mutual masturbation).

   • Threesomes can also be places to explore various kinks, like voyeurism (one person watching the other 2 have sex) or cuckolding (deriving pleasure from watching your partner have sex with someone else).
   • Essentially, a threesome can entail anything you want it to, as long as you have discussed the specifics with your partners beforehand.

Section 3 of 7:

How to Have Your First Threesome

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1. 
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   Explain why you want to have a threesome if your partner is hesitant. It’s not uncommon for one partner to be wary of a threesome—maybe they think they’ll get jealous, or they might be afraid of being “left out.” Instead of pressuring them, explain what benefits the threesome could have for your relationship. Maybe it could help you become more uninhibited sexually as a couple, or it could strengthen your communication and trust.

   • Reassure your partner by addressing their concerns. If they’re worried about their own needs, explain how you’ll give them attention during the threesome.
   • Baston emphasizes that it’s important for everyone to be on board. “The most successful threesome is one where everyone is excited.”
   • You may need to compromise on some sexual acts to make your partner feel comfortable (for example, no penetration by the third or no kissing). Remember that a threesome where everyone agrees to the rules is more enjoyable than one where folks feel uncomfortable or ignored.
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   Communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries to your partner(s) ahead of time. Whether you're in a relationship and looking to invite a third, or you're getting a group of friends together, discuss which sex acts you want to try, who you want to involve, and what ground rules or boundaries you need to feel comfortable, agrees sex and disability educator Evan Sweeney. The exact stipulations are up to you and your partner(s), and everyone must agree to them before getting started. Here are some important things to consider to take the guesswork out of your threesome:

   • Who is involved? It’s important for all 3 participants to feel comfortable with each other to relax and enjoy themselves.
   • What are your motives? Baston says it’s a good idea to really examine why you want to have a threesome, as well as whether you’re going to be able to handle it. “For a lot of people, sex can cause feelings to arise.” She adds that you won’t always be able to figure this out until afterward, but it’s a good idea to at least ask yourself these questions.
   • What are you willing to do (or not)? Maybe you only want to engage in oral and manual sex, or perhaps everything is on the table except kissing or penetration. Voice these needs to come to a consensus as a group.
   • What do you want to explore? Do you want to watch your partner have sex with someone else? Do you want to include someone of a specific gender to explore your sexuality? Clarify what you want to get out of the experience to get your needs met.
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   Pick a safe word to use when you need the action to stop. A threesome has the potential to get physically or emotionally overwhelming (especially if it’s your first one). During your planning, agree on a safe word or signal to use that lets your partners know you need to stop or take a break. You can use your safe word for any reason, like physical pain, a boundary getting crossed or ignored, or unexpected feelings of jealousy or anxiety.

   • The other two partners should respect the safe word and stop all play immediately.
   • Don’t feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do for the sake of the others in the threesome. You can use your safe word any time for any reason.
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   Make a plan to have safe sex that works for everyone. When there are 3 people involved, “just wear a condom” won’t necessarily cut it. To prevent the spread of STIs, partners with penises will need to wear a different condom for each person they may be penetrating. Similarly, participants with uteruses may want to consider birth control or other contraceptives to limit the risk of pregnancy. Discuss your STI status and protection needs with your partners beforehand so everyone can make informed choices for their own well-being.

   • Depending on your unique health needs and the activities taking place, you may also want to consider whether potential thirds have had vaccinations against the human papillomavirus (HPV) and hepatitis.
   • In threesomes involving queer men in particular, protection against HIV like condoms and/or PrEP medication may be top-of-mind.
   • Try not to get too intoxicated on drugs or alcohol beforehand. While a drink or an edible might loosen you up for a good time, too much can make you more likely to ignore your safety plan in the heat of the moment.
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   Continue communicating afterward to process your post-threesome feelings. If you’re part of a couple, it’s not unusual for one partner to enjoy the experience while the other feels self-consciousness, resentment, or jealousy. Discuss what each of you liked and didn’t like the experience, whether you would try it again, and what you would do differently to ensure a better experience.

   • If lingering concerns are left unaddressed, they may eventually build up into bigger issues down the road. Remember, communication is key before and after a threesome.
   • If you’re part of a couple, do not contact the third outside of your session unless agreed upon with your partner. (You may want to discuss contact rules in your pre-threesome negotiations.)
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Section 4 of 7:

More Tips for a Fun Threesome

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1. 
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   Take breaks during the action if you need to. A threesomes or group sex session can last longer than a romp for two, so take a break when you need to for water, a snack, to stretch, to use the restroom, or whatever else you need to do to stay comfortable and enjoy yourself. You can use your safe word, or just let your partners know you need to pause (chances are they could use a break too!).
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   Pick a partner to give directions so no one feels unsure of what to do. Sometimes, the third can feel unsure of what to do next when they’re interacting with a couple. It helps if you pick someone beforehand to “direct” the session a bit for guidance. (For example, “Why don’t you touch them there” or “Move over to that side of the bed.”)

   • Either member of the couple can direct, or you can alternate during the session so everyone gets to have some control (“Why don’t you take over now”).
3. 
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   Don’t use a threesome to solve relationship problems. Successful threesomes require strong communication, trust, transparency, and attentiveness. If you and your partner are struggling with these things or have been having issues in the bedroom, a threesome can potentially make them worse (especially if you’re trying one for the first time together).

   • Baston agrees, saying, “You also want to make sure your relationship is in good standing. This shouldn’t be a band-aid to make things better or keep someone from cheating.”
   • “If you’re trying to use a threesome to fix something, the next stop should be couple’s therapy—not a threesome,” cautions Baston. She adds that jealousy and the fear of one partner leaving the relationship to be with the third person can create a messy situation.
   • Address the root issue you’re having first, then work up to a threesome once your trust and communication are back online.
   • Similarly, a threesome may not be the best route to go if you’re bored in the bedroom or just trying to spice up your love life. Ideally, you should both be interested in a threesome because you want to explore something new with your loved one. (Consider watching pornography together as an alternative if you’re just looking for something new.)
4. 
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   Be open to making mistakes or having awkward moments. If it’s your first threesome, you might feel unsure of what to do or awkward while you learn how to navigate sex with two partners. That’s OK! (You’ll never learn until you try.) Make a note of what felt uncomfortable or difficult and discuss it with your partner(s) afterward to see what you can change or try for next time.

   • Baston recommends using games like sex dice, suggestion cards, sexy Jenga, or truth or dare to help break the ice and get things started.
   • A threesome can be a place to explore new kinks and interests, sex acts, and forms of intimacy. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” threesome, so as long as everyone is enjoying themselves, it’s going well!
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Section 5 of 7:

How to Find a Third or Couple

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1. 
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   Find a third on dating apps, swinger parties, or potentially even at a bar. Baston says that certain dating apps, like Feeld and Fetlife, specifically cater to couples and singles who are interested in finding threesome partners that they vibe with. Other app and website options include 3Fun and 3rdr. On those platforms, you can chat about your interests and boundaries, personality, STI status, and any other relevant factors that make a good match.

   • “Depending on where you are, you can check out if you have a play party community or swingers community,” adds Baston. She says people often attend these specifically looking for a couple to play with.
   • “I would avoid hooking up with friends,” says Baston. She says a casual acquaintance might be okay, but not if you’re close with someone. “If things don’t go right, you don’t want to mess up a friendship and your relationship,” she adds.
   • Baston says that going out together and looking for a third can be a fun bonding experience, as long as you do the work to go into it the right way.
   • On rare occasions, you might be able to solicit someone at a bar or club for a threesome if they catch you and your partner’s eye. It works the same as picking someone up for a hookup, except you’re doing it as a couple (in many cases, women being solicited for a threesome are more comfortable when the woman of the couple initiates the topic).
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   Remember to treat your third with respect before, during, and after the threesome. Having an ethical threesome means that everyone involved gets to voice their needs and have a say in what they do, including the third. Think of them as an invited guest, rather than some stranger or flat character, that you’re bringing into your sex life. This means having a transparent and respectful conversation with them beforehand, as well as honoring their boundaries during the session.

   • Baston recommends including them in your aftercare, too. She recommends making sure they’re okay, offering them a drink of water or snacks, giving them time to decompress, having things ready for them to take a shower, and making sure they get home safely if they’re not staying the night.
   • Most thirds (and couples) also appreciate getting to know everyone before the threesome. Consider grabbing coffee or dinner together to feel each other out and make sure it’s a good, compatible match.
   • Baston recommends setting your boundaries with your partner ahead of time, then letting the third know the rules before they arrive. That can save everyone from an awkward experience if the third isn’t comfortable with those boundaries.
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Section 6 of 7:

Threesome Benefits

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1. 
   Threesomes help you explore your sexuality, fulfill fantasies, and strengthen your communication. For starters, a threesome can be a great way to learn about your own sexual needs and interests, new kinks, fulfill fantasies about multiple partners, and discover new ways to please others and yourself. And, when done with your partner, a threesome can also improve your communication and trust (provided you were transparent before you started and followed up with a discussion of how it went.

   • For some, threesomes can also help overcome sexual inhibitions and improve their performance in bed (in or outside of a threesome).

Section 7 of 7:

Threesome Risks

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1. 
   Threesomes risk making a weak relationship weaker. Like we mentioned earlier, threesomes can do more harm than good if you and your partner are on the rocks. It can lead to guilty or resentful feelings if one partner only participates to please the other, and may cause feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or jealousy if boundaries and needs aren’t clearly discussed beforehand.

   • Threesomes are also stigmatized by some as “deviant” or immoral, so some people may be judgmental if you share your exploits with them.
   • Lastly, more bodies means more risk of contracting or spreading an STI, so always remember to use protection!
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Does wanting a threesome mean I'm bisexual?

  

  Evan Sweeney
  Sex and Disability Educator

  Evan Sweeney is a sex and disability educator based in Glendale, CA. With over 20 years of experience, Evan has led classes and workshops across the nation dedicated to sex-positive education for people with disabilities. He is the founder of Cripping Up Sex, a platform that offers resources on navigating sex, sex toys, dating, disability, accessibility, and queer identity. He is also the author of “Queers on Wheels,” a resource guide for disabled people interested in exploring their sexuality. Evan is the 2026 Carrie Buck Distinguished Fellow at Brandeis University’s Lurie Institute for Disability Policy.

  

  Evan Sweeney

  Sex and Disability Educator

  Expert Answer

  You can approach this by not burdening yourself with labels and viewing this as a loose descriptor where you give yourself permission to explore and embrace ambiguity. Remember that sexuality is an evolving, personal narrative that belongs only to you, and it is perfectly healthy for it to be fluid, complex, or even uncertain. Focus on cultivating a space of radical self-acceptance where you can explore your attractions and identity with curiosity rather than judgment, trusting that as you continue to experience life, the clarity you need will emerge naturally in its own time.

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