Common Manipulation Tactics & Healthy Alternatives

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Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken, PsyD, explains how people manipulate others

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Samantha Fulton, BA

Last Updated: June 20, 2026 Fact Checked

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• Manipulation Tactics
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• Why is manipulation wrong?
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• Alternatives to Manipulation
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Manipulation is a strategy people use to get others to do what they want. We’ve partnered with psychology and relationship experts to explain common manipulation tactics and how they work so you can watch out for them. Plus, we’ll cover why manipulation is wrong and how to persuade people without using manipulation.

Tactics Used to Manipulate Others

Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken, PsyD, lists gaslighting and lying as manipulation tactics. Other common tactics include mirroring, flattery, guilt-tripping, and the silent treatment. Manipulation is an unhealthy and unethical strategy that some people use to get what they want.

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Section 1 of 3:

Common Manipulation Tactics

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   Charm and Flattery Using charm and flattery involves appealing to someone’s desire to be liked to achieve something. Manipulators charm or flatter to get someone to trust them because it builds rapport. In relationships, this is also called lovebombing. Dating coach Renee Slansky defines this as someone making themself seem too good to be true.

   • Caution: Most dating experts, including Slansky, advise against dating love bombers. If your aim is to get into a healthy relationship, try more organic approaches to showing your partner love.

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Lena Dicken, PsyD, is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. She has over 8 years of experience and specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties.

   Renee Slansky is a Dating, Relationship, and Life Coach based in Europe. Her business combines mindset and life coaching with love education.

   Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in negotiation and profiling.

   Dr. Jeffrey Bogaczyk is a communication and leadership coach who helps professionals master the skills of communication, leadership, and persuasion.
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   Lying Manipulators lie and twist the truth to get what they want or shift blame. Lying means withholding information, altering details, or obviously changing the truth. As a manipulation tactic, lying typically relies on preexisting trust between the manipulator and the person they’re lying to.
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   The Silent Treatment The silent treatment is when someone withholds communication to get their way. It often involves sulking and passive-aggressive behavior. This tactic typically relies on an emotional connection to the person it’s being used against. The aim is usually to get the other person to miss the manipulator or exasperate them with silence until they comply.
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   Guilt-Tripping Guilt-tripping is when a manipulator makes someone else feel guilty to get what they want. This tactic appeals to the other person’s emotions, making them more likely to comply. Guilt-tripping relies on a preexisting emotional bond. It is often used when there is already an established relationship.
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   Logic and Reasoning Using logic and reasoning is a common tactic to confuse or misdirect another person. There are several approaches to logical misdirection. One way is creating a false dilemma, or giving the impression that there are only two choices. Another approach is using a red herring, or diverting from the topic at hand to confuse and distract someone. Salespeople and politicians often use these strategies.
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   Mirroring Mirroring is mimicking or reflecting another person’s mannerisms to improve their perception. Mirroring verbal and nonverbal cues can build trust and rapport with the person being mirrored. Most people mirror others naturally, but some people purposely use it to their advantage. This tactic conveys a sense of empathy and understanding and can heighten attraction.
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   Reciprocity Trap The reciprocity trap is giving a gift or doing a favor with the goal of getting something in return. Most people have a psychological tendency to reciprocate when they receive something. For instance, if someone gives someone else a birthday gift, the other person will be more likely to return the favor. This is because most people are socialized to share and give back to those who give to them.
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   Foot-in-the-Door The foot-in-the-door tactic means making a small request to increase the likelihood of someone agreeing to a larger one. Starting with a small request makes the second seem more reasonable. This makes the other person feel more inclined to comply. This tactic relies on the principle of consistency. People don’t like to contradict themselves, so if the two requests are similar in nature, it usually works.
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   Door-in-the-Face The door-in-the-face tactic means starting with a large, outlandish request in order to get someone to agree to a second, smaller request. By starting with something the other person will refuse, it makes the real request seem more reasonable. Plus, they will not want to be perceived as difficult for always saying no.
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    Insults and Debasement Also known as negging, using insults is a way to instill self-doubt in order to achieve an outcome. This approach relies on harmful and negative language. It often reduces the victim’s confidence and makes them need more external validation.

    • Caution: Insulting or negging someone is unkind and unlikely to keep people in your life. If you want someone to be in your life because they want to, try being kind.
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    Gaslighting Gaslighting is convincing someone that their feelings are crazy. Dr. Dicken says that gaslighting makes the other person feel confused and unsure about their reality. Destabilizing someone else’s understanding of a situation makes it easier for the manipulator to control them.

    • Caution: Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. A healthy and respectful relationship does not involve gaslighting.
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    Coercion Coercion, or blackmailing, is using threats to achieve your desired outcome. This tactic uses external pressure to reduce the other person’s options. For instance, a police officer might coerce a criminal to confess by threatening them with extended prison time.

    • Caution: Blackmailing and making physical or verbal threats of violence are both harmful and illegal.
    • Coercion in relationships is emotional abuse. This is not an advisable or acceptable way to get what you want.
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Section 2 of 3:

Why is manipulation wrong?

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   Manipulation often results in mental health issues for victims. Manipulating a loved one can result in self-esteem issues, depression, and anxiety. Dr. Dicken says tactics like gaslighting lead to instability and trust issues for the other person. To protect the health and mental well-being of your loved ones, avoid manipulation tactics in your relationships.
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   Manipulation is widely considered a form of emotional abuse. Using tactics to control, isolate, or frighten a partner or loved one is considered to be emotionally abusive. Just because you’re not causing physical harm doesn’t mean your actions aren’t hurting someone. Consider the feelings of your loved ones before you engage in manipulative tactics. Emotional abuse is not the right way to get what you want from your personal relationships.
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   Manipulation disregards the rights of others. Deliberately lying or skewing the truth to get what you want is inconsiderate of the autonomy of other people. Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, says blatant lying “is intentional, often reprehensible, purposeful, and directed by the individual … There is no regard for the rights of others. In these cases, the person has a seared perspective of respect and honesty.” This is not an ethical way to approach communication or relationships—your loved ones deserve respect.
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Persuade People Without Manipulation

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1. 1
   Learn the art of healthy persuasion. There’s no shame in wanting to be more persuasive, and you don’t have to be manipulative to accomplish that. Communication and leadership coach Dr. Jeffrey Bogaczyk says commanding respect, using logical arguments, and appealing to emotions can all be great persuasive tactics.

   • Respect comes from credibility, trustworthiness, and authoritativeness. If you’re honest and trustworthy, you’ll be more likely to persuade others in an ethical way.
   • Dr. Bogaczyk recommends appealing to logic with credible facts and figures. Unlike manipulation, this relies on objective and factual logic, rather than misdirection.
   • Dr. Bogacysk cites the Obama campaign as a healthy example of appealing to emotion. It used positive feelings like hope as a way to motivate voters.
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   Engage in open communication to express your wants and needs. You’d be surprised what people will agree to if you just ask. Rather than doing mental gymnastics to get what you want, try being direct and assertive. This way, you can work toward getting what you want without being harmful to others. You’ll also be able to maintain healthier, more fulfilling relationships with honest and open communication.
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   Use activities like speech and debate as an outlet for manipulative urges. If you need a place to get out those manipulative tendencies, try finding a healthy and acceptable environment to use them. Speech and debate can allow you to work on your persuasive skills without hurting or upsetting others.

   • You can also try taking acting classes if you feel drawn to storytelling and trying on different characters.
   • Consider pursuing a career in sales or politics if you have a knack for appealing to emotional and logical reasoning.
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   Consider attending therapy. Manipulative tendencies can indicate underlying emotional or psychological concerns. If you feel incapable of being honest or open in your communication style, it might be time to seek professional guidance. Possible reasons for manipulative behavior that you might be able to work through in therapy can include narcissism, self-esteem issues, and social or family history.

   • If you need help changing your ways, you don’t need to do it alone—there’s no shame in asking for extra guidance.
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  Study the the way the movie actors utilize facial expressions and vocal tone to express their emotions.

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  How can I detect if someone has lied or is concealing something?

  

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  Pay attention to their behavior. If they are shifty, appear nervous or different around you, fidget, or show signs of discomfort, they are probably lying or have recently lied to you. Be observant.

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  How do I manipulate people into believing in themselves?

  

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  Maybe you can try telling them how much of an inspiration they are to you and how you believe in them. Make them feel special enough to the extent that they actually start to believe it themselves. You can also tell them about other people who have been in similar situations as them and succeeded somehow.

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