What Is BDSM and How Do You Start? (For Beginners)

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Sex and Relationship Coach Amanda Dames explains what BDSM is and how to explore it safely

Co-authored by Amanda Dames and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: August 27, 2026 Fact Checked

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Meaning & Terminology

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Types of BDSM

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How to Start Safely

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Benefits

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Potential Risks

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More Resources

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Video

When you imagine BDSM, your mind might jump straight to an intense dungeon filled with shackles, leather, whips, and pain, but is that all there is to it? In reality, BDSM is a broad category of sexual play involving power dynamics ranging from acts as simple as tickling and spanking to more intense play, like bondage and flogging. We’re here to explain exactly what BDSM is and the types of play it covers, as well as how to begin experimenting safely with insight from a professional sex educator. Keep scrolling to learn more about BDSM, its benefits for you and your relationship, and more!

What is BDSM?

Sex and Relationship Coach Amanda Dames says BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadomasochism. It falls under the umbrella of kink, but it's also about enforcing a strict power dynamic within a relationship. Consent and healthy communication are crucial in BDSM relationships.

Section 1 of 6:

BDSM Meaning & Common Terminology

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BDSM refers to consensual sex involving bondage, dominance, submission, and control. It’s a broad category of sexual play that typically involves one partner playing a dominant role, while the other is more submissive. However, BDSM can be more than just sex; it’s also a kind of intimate, pre-negotiated, and consensual power exchange that can empower couples to explore trust and new sensations both in and out of bed. Here’s a breakdown of what the BDSM acronym stands for:^{[1]
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- Bondage: Using restraints (ropes, handcuffs, etc.) to limit a partner’s freedom of movement.
- Discipline: Exercising control over a partner with agreed-upon rules and punishments.
- Dominance: Showing authority over a partner (during and/or outside of sex).
- Submission: Showing obedience to a dominant partner’s actions and directions.
- Sadism and masochism (sadomasochism): Feeling pleasure from inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism).
Meet the wikiHow Expert

Danielle Bezalel is a sex educator and the host of the podcast Sex Ed With DB, providing smart, science-backed sex education and delivering trusted insights from top experts on sex, sexuality, and pleasure since 2017.
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Partner dynamics in BDSM play often include both a dom and a sub. A dom (dominant partner) plays the dominant role in the relationship. They’re usually the one in control of the bondage and discipline aspects of the session (spanking, whipping, etc.) and are also called the “top” or in some scenarios, “Master.” The sub (submissive partner) is their more passive counterpart, receiving punishment and taking direction from the dom. They are sometimes called the “bottom” or sometimes “slave.”^{[2]
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- Subs are not powerless in BDSM encounters, though. All punishments and activities are discussed beforehand, and they can command some control by requesting the dom perform certain acts to their liking.
- A switch refers to someone who shifts between dominant and submissive roles, depending on their partner and the context of the session.
- Some couples adopt their dom or sub personas outside of the bedroom and use them in daily life together, too. For some, BDSM is more of a lifestyle or practice (versus just a sexual activity).

Section 2 of 6:

What does BDSM cover?

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BDSM covers lots of fetishes, kinks, sexual acts, and types of play. A fetish is a type of sexual preference for a specific body part, object, or experience, while a kink is any non-conventional sexual practice that’s outside “the norm.” BDSM provides a safe, consensual environment to explore your fetishes and kinks with likeminded adults. Here are some common types of play that fall under BDSM, but this is by no means an exhaustive list:^{[3]
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- Impact play: Striking your partner’s body with your hands or an object (like a whip).
- Bondage play: Restraining (or being restrained by) your partner.
- Role play: Pretending to be another person during a sexual experience (like a police officer or boss).
- Age play: Pretending to be a different age (older or younger) compared to your partner.
- Orgasm denial: Controlling when your partner is allowed to orgasm (or not).
- Gender play: pretending to be a different gender than you are.
- Edge play: Activities that push the limits of what is “safe, sane, and consensual” (SSC), a phrase coined by the BDSM community to reinforce play safety.^{[4]
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  Research source} This can include riskier behaviors like breath play (holding your breath or light choking), wax play (using hot wax), suspension, or psychologically taxing role play.
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You may have already engaged in some “light” BDSM activities already. When some people picture BDSM, they often jump straight to elaborate dungeon setups, provocative roleplaying scenarios, leather gear, and intense pain. While the “hardcore” extreme of BDSM can certainly involve those elements, there are a lot of activities under the BDSM umbrella that are more approachable for beginners. Some example of light BDSM play to experiment with includes:^{[5]
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- Hair pulling or gentle scratching
- Using blindfolds
- Light bondage, like handcuffs or a scarf
- Roleplaying
- Light impact play like spanking or tickling
- Tickling and teasing
- Wondering how hardcore you are in the bedroom (or not)? Take our BDSM Test: What’s My Kink Rating? quiz to find out!

Section 3 of 6:

Communication & Safety Tips for BDSM Beginners

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Discuss your desires and get consent before you start playing. Mutual consent is essential for safe and enjoyable BDSM play. “If you're engaging in BDSM and power play, it's critical that everyone involved is on the same page about consent, boundaries, and the activities you plan on doing before you do them,” explains sex educator Danielle Bezalel. “These conversations should happen while clothed, sober, and before bedroom activities commence.”^{[6]
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Danielle Bezalel
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- Implied consent is not enough. Both partners must clearly and verbally agree to participate in certain acts ahead of time to stay within their comfort zones.
- Following through on a sexual act without consent or agreement from your partner constitutes sexual assault, and you could potentially be charged with a crime if injuries or psychological damage occur.
- Dames advises exploring BDSM with a partner who's already experienced and knowledgeable. Go to events in your area and talk to people to get advice and learn about the culture.^{[7]
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Define what you are and aren’t willing to do before your session. Let your partner know your boundaries, decide who will be dominant or submissive (or if you’ll switch), and discuss which types of play you want to explore, says sex, intimacy, and pleasure expert Athena Gayle.^{[8]
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Athena Gayle
Sex, Intimacy, & Pleasure Expert

Expert Interview} This way, you’ll both know what to expect during the experience.^{[9]
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Research source} You may find that your partner wants to explore something you aren’t 100% comfortable with or fond of. While it’s ultimately up to you to decide what you will or won’t try, it’s helpful to group your limits into two categories to make compromising easier:
- Soft limit: Something you’re hesitant to do, but are open to trying.
- Hard limit: Something you absolutely will not do during a BDSM session.
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Choose a safe word ahead of time that lets your partner know when to stop. “Choose a safe word that is short, easily memorable, and clear,” Bezalel says. “Choosing a word that doesn't come up in regular conversation, like ‘pomegranate,’ is perfect. If you are engaging in an activity in which you cannot speak (if you are being gagged, for example), make sure you and your partner(s) discuss a non-verbal safe word to share non-verbally, like holding a certain number of fingers up or tapping a certain amount of times.”^{[10]
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- Use your safe word (or action) when you want the current sexual behavior to stop for any reason (pain, psychological discomfort, etc.). Remember, you have the right to stop the activity whenever you need to for any reason.
“Many people use the traffic light system for their safe word, where green means 'keep going,' yellow means 'slow down or pause,' and red means 'stop everything right now,’” Bezalel adds.^{[11]
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Danielle Bezalel
Sex Educator

Expert Interview} This system is a great way to communicate how intensely you like a certain action to be performed (like flogging or spanking) and to give your partner feedback without having to fully stop.
According to Bezalel, “When you're experimenting, know that you might make mistakes. As long as both people are consenting and safe, you can always improve them, and always experiment and try new things.”^{[12]
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Danielle Bezalel
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Expert Interview} Remember, BDSM is a space for exploration and empowerment. You may not enjoy every single thing you try, and you may have some potentially awkward experiences with your partner(s). However, this vulnerability is what helps build trust and strengthen your communication skills, so don’t be afraid to try new things!
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Avoid very high-risk activities. Of course, consenting adults can do what they like with their own bodies. However, some activities have greater potential risks than others. For example, if someone is tied up too tightly or incorrectly, they can receive rope burns, circulation loss, or even nerve damage. Similarly, choking can lead to accidental suffocation when boundaries or communication are not honored.
- It’s best to avoid high-impact, risky behaviors if you have no experience with them, especially if you’re new to BDSM or are playing with a new partner.
- Gayle advises always starting slowly and lightly when introducing new sexual acts or exploring new kinks and fetishes. Do not try anything new for the first time without researching basic safety considerations.^{[13]
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Reserve time afterward for aftercare. Aftercare can be both physical and emotional. You may need to massage impacted areas or apply ice packs or heat pads for soreness and bruises (it’s also a good idea to hydrate and have a snack to replenish your energy). On the emotional side, you may need time to cuddle, have separate quiet time, and/or discuss what went well (and what didn’t) for future reference.^{[14]
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- Check in with your partner within the first 24-48 hours afterward to see how they’re doing. Some people need more time to process their experience than others.

Section 4 of 6:

Mental Health & Relationship Benefits of BDSM

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It turns out that BDSM is great for your overall psychology. In a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, BDSM practitioners were found to be less neurotic, more extraverted and open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection-sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being compared to their non-BDSM counterparts.^{[15]
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Stronger communication in your relationship Unsurprisingly, BDSM play can improve communication skills, negotiation abilities, and trust in your relationship. The required physical touch and open communication can also positively affect your self-awareness and authenticity, helping you be more “real” with your partner.^{[16]
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- A BDSM session is also a departure from your typical adult responsibilities, helping you and your partner bond over a true sense of play.
- Most BDSM practitioners feel more secure in their relationships, as well.
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Reduced stress, mood improvement, and physical health benefits Like other forms of sex, BDSM can be great for your body and stress levels; some benefits include lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, better heart health, and better sleep routines.^{[17]
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Research source} However, BDSM roles can have an even bigger effect on your mood. According to a 2016 study published in Psychology of Consciousness:^{[18]
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- Partners in the dom role are more likely to experience an intense, euphoric, and focused state of mind during and after the session.
- Partners in the sub role are more likely to experience a relaxed state of consciousness that can “let go” of thought processing (similar to letting your mind wander while you’re walking through a beautiful park).
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There is no negative correlation with mental health, despite popular stigma. For many years, media portrayals of the BDSM community have created a stereotype that people who enjoy this kind of play are deviant or that BDSM can lead to worsening mental health. In reality, research from The Journal of Sex Research shows that BDSM facilitates a broadening of your sexual interests rooted in affirmative consent and is not a reflection of a particular fixation or “deviance.”^{[19]
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- In fact, BDSM is related to improved self-esteem and a decrease in symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Section 5 of 6:

Potential Risks of BDSM

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Some BDSM play can cause injury if done improperly. Things like bondage and impact play naturally come with a bit of risk. Striking someone can cause bruises or broken skin, and patterns in bondage can lose circulation or even pass out if tied up improperly or left unattended. Even light choking can potentially make someone faint, resulting in bodily injury or in some cases, negative effects on mood and memory.^{[20]
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- Do not start a BDSM session under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Sober judgment keeps both partners safe, and most BDSM-related injuries and deaths are related to substance abuse.
- Never leave a bound partner unattended. The free partner should always remain in the room to release their partner in an emergency.
- Check-in with your partner frequently. Slow down, pause, or stop what you’re doing if they’re uncomfortable, in pain, or feel unsafe continuing.
- Do not try a new, more intense activity (like electronic stimulation or play that breaks the skin) without researching the risks and how to do it safely.
- Use quality equipment (ropes, handcuffs, paddles, etc.) that are unlikely to break and cause unintended injury.

Section 6 of 6:

More Resources for BDSM Exploration

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Your BDSM journey is personal; here are some resources to guide you. A lot of your BDSM education is going to be, well, hands-on. But if you’re looking for more information, inspiration, or reassurance, here are some helpful resources to look into:
- Books and podcasts: Search for media produced by or for groups you identify with (women, LGBTQ+, BIPOC, older adults, etc.) to hear first-hand tips and stories about BDSM within those communities.
- Local sex shops: Some adult stores may offer low-key workshops about various kinks and fetishes, how to use certain toys or bondage devices safely, or how to try out new things in the bedroom. Check with stores near you for a calendar of events.
- The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom: Their website, ncsfreedom.org, has plenty of resources on kink, safe play, consent resources, and more. For example, their Negotiation Guide is a valuable tool to use before a BDSM session to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
- BDSM spaces: Some may prefer to travel to a BDSM dungeon or play space for more first-hand experience. Take a friend with you for safety and confidence, and start small (i.e., low-impact activities like spanking) before progressing to high-impact activities.